I created a weapons list that they would have access to throughout the game, not all the weapons were used and the full list can be found here, when they had access to them, players got to pick one at random from a Santa Hat I had with them all inside. Each item was only limited use (normally one) so after they used it they got to pick another.
Lets see how they got on.
The Game
Thwas a few days before Christmas and we were all a
bit drunk,
We missed our friend Emma, and Chris, the King of
Funk
Our plan was one of drinking and playing a game
But We decided this year our Christmas shan't be so
tame
So rather than fighting, roleplaying or more
We all took a break, like in days of yore
We rented a cabin way off in the wood
And together headed more north than we should
We argued and laughed our ideas rebuked
Then set up our beds and drank till we puked
That night as we snored all snuggled in bed
As visions of Taylor Swift dance though our heads
Aron jumped up and rose with a flash
As the whole cabin shook with the sound of a crash
"What could it be?" He groggily mumbled
"Shut the fuck up" Jodie shot back
disgruntled
"Someone's on the roof" Aron wouldn't let
up
Alerted Martin rose "lets fuck this guy up"
So as a group (Me, Aron, Jodie, Martin and Boris) we have rented a cabin in the woods for Christmas, the cabin is a large and single storied building with a main living area (dinning room, kitchen and living room) then one large dormitory style bedroom. We are all drunk and asleep in the bedroom when Aron hears a crash on the roof.
Aron quickly awakes up Jodie but she is still quite drunk so he wakes up Martin instead. Martin decides it is best to wake everyone up but can't wake up me. After talking for a while they decide to arm themselves with what they can from the kitchen. As it is a rented cabin most of the stuff is either bolted down or not great but they get a collection of weapons, a frying pan, a mug, a spatula etc and head over to the door. Obviously Jodie had booked the cabin, since she is the only one organised enough to do it, and she is worried whatever is on the roof will break something and cost her the deposit.
Martin goes out alone first and tries to see on the roof, but is it high and dark and he can't see anything. He can see snow falling from the roof like someone is walking around up there. Round the side of the cabin he can hear a noise like a child. He comes back inside and tells the others.
They decide to turn all the lights on, so the intruder knows they are awake and head out as a group (except me who they still haven't been able to wake). As they head outside Jodie locks the door behind them so that no-one can get in while they are outside and shouts "Is that you Santa?". They see a small child come round the corner of the cabin and as he gets closer and into the light coming from the window they see that he is dressed like an elf. Getting closer still they see that although he is child sized his face looks much older and he has blood running from his nose, a tooth missing and a black eye. Seeing the group the elf runs over to them and says;
"Now please you must listen, Santa's gone mad
He's bent on destroying all that's been bad
When he did his tally he found out the sum
Turns out the whole world is bad, every, single, one
You must take the Polar Express its just north of
here
He will return to the North Pole, the coast is now
clear
I've disabled his sleigh, that will give you time
with luck
But soon he will return, is that beeping OH FUCK"
As he is finishing up a collar round his neck started to flash red and beep, just as he finishes talking it explodes blowing the elf's head off. Boris drops the beer can he picked up in the kitchen out of shock. They quickly go to get back inside and Jodie unlocks the door for Martin to go in 1st.
As you open the door as small sound was made
And from the fire place in the room, rolls a grenade
The grenade rolls into the room and they manage to jump back outside again before it goes off. Just before it explodes they hear a voice on the roof say "Ho Ho Ho Fuck You" and the sound of a sleigh dragging across the roof before the explosion. Something falls and lands in the snow behind them. They check in the ruined Cabin and find me alive but unconscious. They decide to put me in the car to keep me safe and warm then check the elf's pockets. In the pockets they find 4 tickets for the Polar Express. Away in the snow they find what looks like an empty sack but when they pick it up it feels heavy. Aron reaches inside and pulls out a set of Wrapping Paper Restraints, after pulling them out the bag feels empty until Jodie takes it from him, she reaches in and gets a Snow Globe Molotov. They pass the bag round and Martin gets a Segway and Boris a pair of Boxing Gloves Wrapped in Holly. Jodie puts the now empty sack in her pocket and they try and work out where the Polar Express is.
Suddenly Aron gets a strange feeling in his chest and says "I know where the Polar Express is, follow me" and starts walking off into the woods. They others are all a bit confused and follow after him. They have no idea how he knows which way to go and get even more confused as he is clearly doubling back on himself and going in circles but Aron is getting more and more confident that he is going the right way.
Aron reaches a large tree and walks up to it, the tree starts to split leaving a black hole that without saying anything he jumps through. The others look a little confused before jumping through after him. On the other side of the portal is an old fashioned train platform. A large sign reads "Platform 9 and 4 Quarters". It is empty apart form one man, a ticket inspector, who is further down the platform. Seeing them arrive he starts to walk towards them. Boris throws up.
As the ticket inspector walks towards them they see it is Tom Hanks. He cheerfully sees to them "Tickets Please."
Jodie gets over excited and shouts "Oh My God, Tom Hanks. You're My Santa!"
Tom looks at her and cheerfully smiles "Thank you, you like my movies then?"
"Yes"
He turns to Boris and says "which of my movies is your favourite then?"
"Castaway"
Looking at Martin he says "and you?"
Martin says "Castaway" and pulls the mug he picked up in the cabin kitchen and hands it to Tom Hanks saying "Look it's Wilson".
Tom laughs and takes the mug off Martin. He turns to Aron and says "so which of my movies do you like best?"
"Toy Story"
"I wasn't in that" Tom replies coldly.
"yes you were".
"No I wasn't in that" he replies and turns away from Aron. "So who has the tickets?"
The group give Tom Hanks their tickets for the Polar Express and and he thanks them. He points to the last door of the last carriage of the train and says "Better jump on quick, it's about to leave".
As the group go to get on the train Jodie stops to hug Tom Hanks, as she is he whispers a warning to her "Don't let them find you".
They board the back of the Polar Express and find themselves at the back of a carriage. It is a traditional sort of carriage, rows of seats all facing the front of the train. It has been decorated to look more festive. All the seats are taken by children, all of them blonde, all looking alike and all staring straight in front of them not moving. The train starts to move off.
None of the children turned of reacted when the group got on and as the move forwards none of them turn to look at them. Boris looks at one and sees they have jet black eyes. He waves his hand in it's face and it still does not react, just staring straight forwards. He shakes it's shoulder and as soon as he does the child's head snaps round to look straight at Boris and it lets out a demonic scream. It then goes to attack Boris swiping at him. With the scream all the other children in the carriage turn round, scream themselves and start to attack.
Jodie quickly hits one with the spatula she brought from the kitchen and hits it so hard it's head spins round breaking it's neck. In the area she caught it the skin is ripped off revealing wires and sparks, all the children are robots. Boris hits one hard with the frying pan he has but only manages to put a dent into the robots skull and it carries on. Aron jumps onto the seats and starts climbing over the seats to get to the doors at the other end of the carriage, all the time being clawed at he manages to make it. Martin has a similar plan to get to the other side of the carriage but decides to try and go down the aisle and push the robots aside to make room for the others to follow him, he gets a few meters along before he is dragged down by the robot children and they start crowding on top of him attacking. Jodie and Boris both try to help clear the robots off Martin, Jodie puts the cabin keys between her fingers and starts punching then, leaving the key lodged in the face of one of the robots, Boris puts on his Holly Wrapped Boxing Gloves and starts punching them back killing a couple and allowing Martin to stand. At the other end of the carriage Aron starts pushing the robots aside and back into the seats to clear a path for the others, because they are mostly looking at Martin he has more success and creates an easier route for the others who all run to join him. They rush though the carriage door and into the next with Aron securing the door behind them with his Wrapping Paper Restraints.
Safely in the new Carriage Jodie feels the sack in her pocket glow warn and pulls it out. It feels light for her but when she gives it to Boris and Aron, who have used their last presents they are able to pull something new out of it. Aron gets a Missile Toe and Boris gets 2 Acid Mince Pies.
Turning round they see the same sight they had when they got on the train, a carriage full of children, all staring forwards and ignoring them, they only difference is this time all the children have brown hair. The group decide that this time they want to avoid fighting them all so try walking down the aisle without touching any of the robots. Without touching them the robots just let them pass and they quickly make it into the new carriage without any problems.
They are now in the dinning cart, at the opposite end is a load of tables and chairs. In this half is a huge buffet on one side and on the other a massive chocolate fountain, with the pool under it easily waist deep. All the food on the buffet is sweats and treats, lollipops, candyfloss, sweets, doughnuts, pastries and cakes in all varieties and colours. The cart is empty apart from one woman who is refilling trays of sweets even though the ones she is taking away are completely untouched. As the group go to try and pick up any of the food she grabs the tray before they can reach it, takes it away with an apology and replaces it with a fresh tray. She does this anytime they try and get some food, never actually allowing them to eat anything.
Frustrated by this Jodie walks over to the chocolate fountain and sticks her face straight in. As soon as she makes contact with it the chocolate in the fountain turns to shit, literal shit. She goes over the the buffet table to get the jug of water to wash her face off but like everything the woman moves it and replaces it when she tries. Now completely pissed off Jodie wipes her face on the woman's dress, at which point the woman lets her have the jug of water, as it splashes onto Jodie's face, the water in the jug turns to urine. The woman explains to the group that everything in Santa's Kingdom is now corrupted and she is just using a Fae Glamour to keep the food looking like it used to.
While talking to the woman she suddenly says "Oh Shit" and ducks down behind the buffet table. Aron and Boris who are by the counter duck down behind there with her and Jodie and Martin who are up the other end hide under one of the dinning tables. Through the glass in the door to the north of the train they see 3 men approaching is dark grey military hats. The three men enter the carriage and start walking down it. They are all in grey military uniform with peaked hats and "SS" on their shoulders. All 3 are blonde with pointy ears poking out the sides of their hair. "Voman, vhere is ze voman?" the leader of the three shouts in a strong German accent. Nervously the group watch as the lady stands up from behind the buffet. "Vhy is ze food not fresh?"
"I'm doing the best I can" says the lady
Jodie and Martin can see the SS guard pick up a jelly bean from a plate and it turn to a maggot in his fingers before he puts it back down on the tray and it turns back to a jelly bean.
"Santa's Service vill not accept this level of service" he barks back at her in his German accent.
"I'm sorry I will do bette...." as the woman is replying there is gunshot and she falls down behind the buffet cart with Boris and Aron, a bullet hole just above her eye.
"Now, ve must find ze intruders" the leader of the 3 continues "Klaus you go that way, I will go back ze vay ve came and Hans you stay here in case zey come back"
With that the three Santa's Service split up, one walking back to the north of the train, the other to the South and one waiting in the Dinning Carriage. The group are still hiding in the cart, Jodie and Martin can see what is going on but from behind the Buffet cart Martin and Aron can't. Aron realises he needs to fart but manages to let it out silently. Sniffing the air the Santa's Service guard looks disgusted and turns to the chocolate fountain. Lending over to examine it closer Jodie and Martin take their chance and run out from their hiding place and tackle the guard, knocking him face first into the pool at the bottom of the chocolate fountain and pushing him down, the chocolate turning back to shit as they touch it. Hearing the noise, Aron and Boris jump over the food cart and grab the guards legs lifting them up and all four of them are holding him face down in the poo. As the guard's legs stop moving they slide him into the poo fountain to hide the body.
Boris runs towards the door to the rear carriages and uses the Acid Mince Pies to burn through the couplings and disconnect the carriages. To the front of the train they can see the leader of the Santa's Service patrol returning, he is two carriages ahead of them but coming back this way. Outside they notice the train starting to slow and realise they have arrived at a station. A sign on the platform reads "Gumdrop Forest". The train is still rolling to a stop and realising the last two carriages have been disconnected the last of the Santa's Service patrol is hurrying back and is now in the cart next to theirs. There are more guards in Santa's Service uniform on the platform. Boris goes through Santa's Sack again and this time pulls out a Snowball Cannon.
They decide to create a distraction and escape off the back of the train as it is still moving. Jodie runs to the front of the carriage, opens the doors and throws her Snow Globe Molotov through the door, setting the whole place on fire. They then run to the rear of the carriage and jump off before the train has stopped completely at the platform. Jodie stumbles and falls as she lands but the rest all land on their feet. They start trying to creep across the platform to the Gumdrop Forest but the guard spot them and stop running to the fire on the train and start shooting at them down the platform.
It was at this point Martin uses his Segway, I had decided it could be used at any point to get from one place to another without needing to explain how or why they got there, in this case Martin the Segue to get into the forest and away from the SS.
Now clear of the Guards they start walking through the Gumdrop Forest, heading north. Jodie and Martin go through Santa's Sack again and Jodie gets a Sprout Sling Shot while Martin gets "It's a Wonderful Knife".
Walking through the forest they hear a tiny voice calling out "Help me, Help me". They reach a lake in a clearing and see what looks like a small wooden boy struggling in the water of the lake calling for help. Jodie jumps into the lake, probably to get the urine and poo off her more than anything, and drags the toy to the side. Coughing and spluttering he says "thank you". He tells them his name is Freddy but speaks with a slight speak impediment so it sounds like Fweddy.
Freddy tells the group about what has happened at Santa's workshop. Santa has gone mad and wants to kill everyone and take over the world. He ordered his SS to destroy all the toys but Freddy and a few others were able to escape.
"Can you take us to Santa's Workshop" Aron asks him
"Oh jeeze, I could take you there but I'm afraid. I'm not a brave toy and I just ran"
"You only need to take us there, we'll do the rest"
"Okay...but the way there sure is dangerous"
"It's OK Freddy, I'll protect you" Jodie tells him.
Freddy smiles and takes Jodie's hand "OK guys, it's this way" and he leads them off through the Gumdrop Forest.
As they reach a clearing in the forest Freddy stops "Oh dear, oh dear. We have to be quite here" he says. Around them they can hear snarling, growling sounds coming from the woods. As they enter the clearing there is a sign that says "Reindeer Paddock". Inside are 9 cages, all open. Scattered around the cages are bones, limbs small enough to be elf's still wearing little green sleeves and bits of broken toys. In the centre is a human, laying on the floor groaning. As they approach they see the body is Chris Pratt, he is wearing a blue shirt and brown waistcoat, he has a huge wound across his stomach and blood coming from his mouth.
They go up to him and he says "The Reindeer...they're out...though I could control them...like the raptors in my movie...can't". Then he dies.
With that pairs of red eyes start appearing in the shadows between the trees getting closer. One set has a red nose glowing as well and the growling is getting louder, they are surrounded by the reindeer "Clever girl" whispers Freddy.
Out of nowhere Jodie starts singing "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer". All the other Reindeer turn to look at the one with the red nose and it disappears back into the woods as Jodie is singing.
"That's it" Freddy shouts "All Christmas songs are true here, he isn't allowed to play their Reindeer games"
With that the whole group start sings "Silent Night" and the remaining reindeer just stay completely still and the group start to back off the way they were going, still singing until they are clear of the paddock.
They finally reach Santa's Workshop but it is not how they had pictured it. It now looks like an abandoned factory, windows are boarded and and the sign that said "Santa's Workshop" has fallen off. As they go inside the place is deserted, with bits of broken toy all over the place. Freddy looks scared as he points to a huge set of red doors. Jodie turns to Freddy and tells him to hide and not to come out, he apologises for not being brave like them before giving them a hug and running off to hide.
The group line up by the doors and as they kick them open and march into Santa's Throne Room they are all singing "We Wish You a Merry Christmas". Inside is a set of wide, steep steps leading to the throne, Santa is sitting in the throne with 4 SS guards positioned on the stairs between the door and Santa.
Santa looks at them as they come through the door and laughs "Ho Ho your Christmas Song magic has no power against me!"
"Why are you doing this Santa?"
"Because everyone is bad, so why shouldn't I be? I could take over the world, I am a God to you people" as he is talking his beard slips and little and he pushes it back up.
"You're not the real Santa"
"Yes I am, what do you know moral" his beard slips again and reveals that it is Noel Edmonds sitting in the throne in a Santa costume.
"Seize them" Noel shouts and the group are suddenly all grabbed from behind and knocked unconscious.
They wake up in a dungeon cell below the workshop. As they start to come round they realise that chained in a dark corner is another person. Stripped to his waist and covered in scratches and bruises, chained by the ankle to the wall is the real Santa.
Santa explains to the group that Noel Edmonds had taken over the North Pole and stolen his power from his hat. "To defeat him I need to get the hat back"
"But why is he doing this?"
"He just kept saying that his name was Noel so he should be Santa. I think years of family TV have driven him mad. We need to get out of here and stop him before he ruins Christmas." Looking up suddenly Santa says "Quiet, the screw is back".
Looking out the bars of the cell the group can see a figure outside with a SS hat barely on his head and keys on his waist...Mr Blobby.
Thinking of a way to escape the group decide they have two choices, try and get the keys off Blobby or cut Santa's foot off, which Santa seems fine with "I've been through worse" he says when it is suggested. Instead Aron decides to use his Missile Toe to blow the door to the cell off and then Boris uses his Snowball Cannon to knock Mr Blobby over. Although it doesn't knock Blobby out he is not able to stand back up and is just laying on the floor, rolling about with his legs and arms waving. The group quickly run out and grab the keys from Blobby and unlock Santa. Aron and Boris use Santa's Sack to rearm themselves, Boris gets a pair of Gingerbread Shirken and Aron gets an Icicle Harpoon. Santa leads them out the Dungeon and back to the Throne Room.
Entering the Throne Room Santa heads straight up the stairs for Noel. Noel looks shocked at the escape and screams "Stop them" to his guards while hiding behind his throne. One of the guards rushes to stop Santa getting up the stairs while the other three run down to grab the group. With Santa in a fist fight on the stairs and guards closing in on them they have to fight. Meanwhile behind the throne Noel is pulling Deal or No Deal boxes out his sack, pulling out the money and throwing it at them, the money is flying towards then like razors and sticking into the walls and floors where it hits.
Boris quickly throws both his Gingerbread Shirken at the closes SS and catches him twice. Jodie follows up with her Sprouts and manages to hit the wounded guard in the windpipe, he goes down coughing and gasping for air. Martin runs forwards slightly and using "It's a Wonderful Knife" slashes the throat of another SS guard. Aron pulls out his Icicle Harpoon and fires it, spearing the last of the three Guards that charged them straight through the chest.
Noel pulls out another box and launches the razorsharp cash at them, hitting Aron and Martin giving them both deep bloody cuts.
Quickly re-arming from Santa's sack they pull out a Candy Cane Crossbow (Boris), an Ornament Shrapnel Grenade (Jodie), a Tinsel Whip (Martin) and a Yule Log Cannon (Aron). While going through the sack Martin is hit again by Noel's lethal cash.
Boris shoots a Candy Cane bolt at Santa's hat on Noel's head hoping to knock it off so he loses his Christmas powers but the bolt goes straight through the hat and it stays stuck to his head not moving, Noel laughs and throws two £50 notes at Boris hitting him twice and slicing his arm open.
Jodie runs up the stairs to try and help Santa but twists her ankle on the stairs and misses the punch she tries the throw. Martin moves up the stairs slower, keeping low to avoid Noel's attacks and Aron fires his Yule Log Cannon at the Guard but misses. Noel rains down more cash at them and this time catches Jodie.
With only one Candy Cane bolt left Boris moves up the stairs to get a better shot at Noel. Further down Jodie get the keys she stole from Mr Blobby and returning to an old favourite, puts them between her fingers and punches the guard in the balls, she hears something pop. Bent over double in pain Santa leans down and snaps the final guards neck before looking up at Noel and shouting "I'm going to fucking mess you up" and running up the stairs. Grabbing Noel, Santa lifts him off the ground and reaches up to pull the hat from his head. Just as he closes his hand around it, Noel pulls a knife out and stabs Santa through the ribs. Santa's eyes go wide and he looks down at his chest before letting go of Noel and falling down the stairs. As Santa lies motionless at the bottom of the stairs fairy dust starts to raise up from him and head towards Noel, making him even more powerful.
In a last effort to stop Noel before he becomes all powerful the group throw everything they have at him. Martin whips him with the Tinsel Whip but as it wraps round Noel just just grabs it and pulls Martin over. Jodie throws the Ornament Shrapnel Grenade at him and it goes off, pieces going into Noel's flesh, but he just laughs and he pulls them out and the wounds heal shut. Aron hits him with a Yule Log and he just ignores it. Boris fires the last Candy Cane at him but he dodges out the way. All hope seems lost when the huge red doors behind them open and Freddy runs through with an army of toys behind him.
Pointing at Noel Freddy shouts "Fuck him up" and they run at Noel, dragging him down and ripping him apart with their bare hands. After they have finished off Noel Freddy comes up to Jodie and still covered in blood says "Was I brave?"
"Yes" Jodie says "very brave".
She then grabs the hat from Noel's head and runs down to Santa's corpse putting it on his head. When nothing happens she starts sings "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" as loud as she can but still nothing happens.
Then the doors swing open and I walk in, having followed them to the North Pole when I woke up in the car. In my hand is Mr Blobby's head still dripping blood on the floor as I walk across to Santa. "Sorry I'm late, I caught this guy just about to come in here to help Noel, he told me everything". I then walked over to the hat next to Santa's body and put it on my own head, almost straight away I start growing a grey beard and getting slightly fatter. I look at my friends and say "Well you saved Christmas, now I better make sure everyone gets what they wanted" and followed by all the toys walk through a door behind the throne.
Epilogue
The group wake up back in the cabin all in bed. Thinking it is all a dream they look around but I am not there. Going out into the living room there is a present for each of them and as they open it they hear jiggle-bells on the roof and the sound of a sleigh taking off. Off in the distance they hear my voice shout "Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas you twats".
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